how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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