walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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