Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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