her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
