My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
