I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
