Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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