i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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