I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dick very happy bro
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
