A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
