Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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