Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
