I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
