When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize