The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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