I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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