I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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