Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
