it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
