I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
