no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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