I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
