I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
