I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
