I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
