i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
