I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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