K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
