I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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