I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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