Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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