Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
