I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
