Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
