so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sober January is a disaster.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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