Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
