Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
