I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
