Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
