I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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