Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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