Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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