If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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