He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
