yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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