I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
