he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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