Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
