I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
