the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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