This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
