how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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