ya dads aren't the best wingmen
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sorry my hands just texted you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
