i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
