He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
