Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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