My liver just broke up with me...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
